Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High
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Summary
A framework for having difficult conversations. Lots of actionable techniques that have worked well for me both personally and professionally.
Notes and Quotes
Chapter 1 - What's a Crucial Conversation? - And Who Cares?
Crucial Conversations need 3 conditions: - Opinions vary - Stakes are high - Emotions run strong
Outcome of these conversations can have a huge impact on either relationships or results that affect you greatly.
Problems fester if these conversations are ignored.
Staying calm and rational is hardest part of these conversations - you need to be control of your own emotions. You need to be the perfect role model.
Summary
Crucial conversations are hard - they have important things at stake to those involved, and it's easy to get caught up in emotions.
It's easy to want to avoid crucial conversations, but that just let's resentment/problems fester and make things worse in the long term.
Chapter 2 - Mastering Crucial Conversations - The Power of Dialogue
"When it comes to Crucial Conversations, skilled people find a way to get all relevant information (from themselves and others) out into the open." They aren't afraid to be candid and share their opinions and feelings. "What they do is effectively create a dialogue."
People good at dialogue are good at gathering and listening to everyone's feelings, even if they are different from their own.
Involvement in dialogue gains people's commitment. If they sit out, they may not agree with the plan.
"Fool's Choice" - having to pick between being honest and keeping a friend. Good dialoguers can do both.
Rest of book is divided into three parts: 1. "What to do before you open your mouth" 2. "How to open your mouth" 3. "How to finish"
Summary
People good at dialoguing are good at listening and involving everyone. This allows all parties to feel involved and committed to a resolution.
Part I: What to Do Before You Open Your Mouth
Chapter 3 - Choose Your Topic - How to Be Sure You Hold The Right conversation
It's important to choose the correct topic for discussion so things don't get heated and de-railed.
We typically choose easy over hard topics, recent over right topics. This usually means we aren't focusing on the right conversation.
Signs you are having the wrong conversation: 1. Emotions escalate 2. You walk away skeptical 3. You've already had the same conversation before
Choosing the correct topic: - Process - Might need to pre-empt following three steps with a "process" conversation - explain to the individual that the feedback/crucial conversation you are having is to make them better off. Need to make them feel safe about explicitly talking about difficult things. 1. Unbundle - pinpoint the problem. Do this by addressing these topics in CPR order: - Content - What is the immediate pain? - Pattern - Does the issue keep repeating? - Relationship - Is there a problem of trust, competence, or respect? 1. Choose - Pick the highest priority issue and discuss that. 2. Simplify - Think hard about how succinctly phrase the topic
Once you identify the correct topic, it is even more important to keep the conversation on that topic. Don't let others deviate with easy or recent topics instead.
If new topics come up that take precedence, it's ok to be human and address those new topics instead - just mention you'll come back to the original topic later.
Summary
Choosing the correct topic to have a crucial conversation about is hard. Use CPR to identify it, pick the highest priority issue, and make the problem statement succinct. Be human and flexible in discussions, not a robot following these instructions.
Chapter 4 - Start with Heart - How to Stay Focused on What You Really Want
"The first thing that degenerates during a Crucial Conversation is not your behavior; it’s your motive. And we can rarely see it happening. The first step to dialogue is to get your heart right."
Easy way to determine motive is to watch behavior - girls fighting over who uses bathroom first took 25 minutes. Needing bathroom wasn't motive - being right or making the other sister miserable was the motive.
Instead of seeing others as the problem, it's most important to start with recognizing your own problems and fixing those first.
"Start with Heart" - start "...high-risk discussions with the right motives, and they stay focused on those motives no matter what happens." Two ways to do this: 1. Know what you want. Stick to those goals. 2. Don't fall for Fool's choice (chapter 2) - not zero sum "this OR that" - believe can solve problems through dialogue.
Example - CEO asks for reducing costs, gets called out for building new offices. Immediate reaction is to get revenge for publicly calling her out, but she handles the high-risk conversation by following the two points above.
Started with problems with herself - outlined shortcomings of not managing the budget/project as well as she should. Showed she was following up, and cut half costs herself.
In moments of anger, she focused on the question "What do I really want?" - she realized she wanted managers to cut costs rather than revenge on someone calling her out.
As conversations occur, motives change on their own. Emotions run, but need to stay focused on singular original motive. Do this by first recognizing own emotions - "I've shifted from planning a great vacation to winning an argument". Ask yourself "What do I really want?". Also good to tack on "...in the long term?" - "What do I really want... in the long term?"
Once you figure out the real motive, ask yourself 'What should I do right now to move toward what I really want?"
Breaking away from Fool's Choice can be done by asking yourself what you really want, what you really don't want, and then combining the two into a new question that requires more creative solutions.
Summary
Focus on fixing problems with yourself first. Usually this means rampant emotions. This can be done with two techniques:
It's easy to lose sight of motive during conversation. Remind yourself by asking "What do I really want...in the long term?" and "What should I do right now to move toward what I really want?".
The Fool's Choice - zero sum game - doesn't really exist. Ask yourself what you really want, what you really don't want, and come up with a new complex question that requires more creative solutions.
I struggle with keeping emotions level. Definitely feel like a rollercoaster during heated conversations. Need to be better at focusing on single long term goal. I think I usually get there, but I think of leaders I talk to and they get there much more quickly.
Usually don't let Fool's Choice happen. Life is too complex for zero sum games - there's more nuance than that.
Chapter 5 - Master My Stories - How to Stay in Dialogue When You're Angry, Scared, or Hurt
"How you respond to your own emotions is the best predictor of everything that matters in life. It is the very essence of emotional intelligence. By learning to exert influence over your own feelings, you’ll place yourself in a far better position to use all the tools of Crucial Conversations."
Other people don't put emotions in you - you put emotions inside yourself. Reminds me of the stoic Epictetus quote "If someone succeeds in provoking you, realize that your mind is complicit in the provocation." Only you have control over your own feelings, you choose whether to be affected by them or not.
The best dialoguers act on their emotions instead of make assumptions and be held hostage by them.
Assumptions come in the form of (often incorrect) stories we tell ourselves about an emotional situation.
To fix these incorrect stories, we must identify our feelings first. Then, reanalyze the story we tell ourselves to see if supporting facts exist. Often these don't line up and we need to further reanalyze until we get to the correct truth and understanding.
Summary
You must be objective before letting emotions take hold of you. Identify how you are really feeling, and what really happened. Then have a conversation based on those things instead of what you "think" you are feeling.
Part II: How to Open Your Mouth
Chapter 6 - Learn to Look - How to Notice When Safety is at Risk
The sooner you notice you are off track in dialogue, the easier it is to get back into it. The longer you wait, the harder it becomes.
Three warning signs to catch problems before they become too severe: 1. The moment a conversation turns crucial - You can become physically uncomfortable - sit up straight, stomach turns, - You can notice emotions - scared, hurt, defensive, angry. - In either case, Start with Heart and back down. 2. Signs that people don't feel safe (silence or violence) - People stop talking, unwilling to share their thoughts, sugarcoat things (silence) - They may start making insults, personal attacks, steamrolling arguments (violence). - In either case, need to make things safer to bring the conversation back to dialogue 3. Your own Style Under Stress - See how your own style changes when becoming stressed/uncomfortable - Assessment questions - wow some of those questions are targeted towards real jerks - Personal results - very rarely silent, never violent.
Recognizing safety risks is the same virtually, we just usually have less data to recognize it. You can widen the data stream by asking:
Email. “I haven’t heard back from you in a couple of days in response to the email I sent you. I am not sure how to interpret your silence. How are you feeling about the proposal?”
Telephone. “I wish I could see your face right now. I don’t know how you’re hearing my message, and I would hate for you to misinterpret it. Can you help me understand what you’re thinking right now?”
Direct messaging. “When I read the comment that you posted on my social media account, I wasn’t sure how to take it. It seemed like you might be upset. Are you?”
Summary
You must always make conversations safe before dialoguing about anything crucial. Otherwise, it will turn into a downward spiral.
Chapter 7 - Make it Safe - How to Make it Safe to Talk about Almost Anything
If someone feels psychologically unsafe and becomes defensive, they think you have bad intent. Either that's true, or they misunderstood your good intent.
In this case, you need to step out of content of the conversation, make it safe, then try again.
Two conditions of safety: 1. You care about the other person's concerns (mutual purpose) - If mutual purpose is hard to establish, that's what the first crucial conversation should be about. - You can't go to someone planning to talk about only your needs, you need to go in with something you both want. 2. You care about them (mutual respect). - Warning signs of mutual disrespect are charged emotions - You can respect others who you don't agree with by recollecting that you have flaws as a human too. Be empathetic to that.
Building safety: - Share your good intent - Apologize when appropriate - Contrast to fix misunderstandings - Clear up intent with a don't/do statement. "I don't mean that. I do mean this." - Create a Mutual Purpose
Keep stepping back until you find a mutual purpose, and start the conversation there.
In emails/writing, all of these same techniques apply, you may just have to restate them multiple times to make it clear your intent and purpose is aligned.
Summary
If someone doesn't want to partake in a crucial conversation, you need to talk about something they do want to talk about, gain their safety (mutual purpose, respect), then have the crucial conversation.
Use "I" statements, not "You". Be vulnerable. Be empathetic.
Chapter 8 - State My Path - How to Speak Persuasively, Not Abrasively
Chapter will examine 5 skills to solve defensiveness and resistance. First, how to design your message to have others hear it, then how to be more persuasive.
First need to figure out what you really want. That will help focus the STATE steps next.
Telling people unattractive/controversial ideas is hard. Bad dialoguers either are blunt and build enemies or remain silent. Good dialoguers sugarcoat and leave out the most uncomfortable pieces of information. Best dialoguers speak their mind in a way that is respectful and makes it safe for others to hear what they have to say.
How to speak the unspeakable while maintaining respect? 1. Confidence - you need to be sure your opinions deserve to be put into the pool of meaning. 2. Humility - you realize not only you, but others have valuable things to say as well. Encourage others to speak. 3. Skill - dialogue with candor and safety. They tell the truth, and others are grateful for their honesty.
Despite your worst suspicions, you should never violate respect. You shouldn't kill safety with threats and accusations.
Best way to start uncomfortable conversation: STATE
- Share your facts - these are least controversial. Share what you see as the facts, but be open to having those facts be wrong.
- Tell your story - Share your story once you know people are listening (after sharing facts). This is "the possible story" - need to keep open about others' interpretations.
- If people get defensive, you can contrast their story with what you really want?
- Ask for others' paths - "How do you see it?", "What's your perspective?", "Can you help me understand?" - be open minded and willing to change your story based on this new information.
- Talk tentatively - don't throw accusations until you have the full picture. "It's leading me to conclude that..." or "I'm tempted to think...", "I believe ...". Don't be absolute with what you say. Don't be wimpy either "Call me crazy, but ...", "I know this probably isn't true, but ..."
- Encourage testing - invite opposing views. Play devil's advocate if people don't want to speak up.
If you state your strong opinions too forcefully, people will tune out/not listen/not trust you. This is because you are sharing your strongly held story, and not letting others influence with their thoughts.
Summary
Use STATE
Chapter 9 - Explore Others' Paths - How to Listen When others Blow up or Clam up
Sometimes people clam up and don't want to dialogue. This chapter is about how to get them speaking again.
It all boils down to restoring safety.
Previous chapters mention things like Contrasting and finding a Mutual Purpose to get dialogue happening again.
Can also "Explore Others' Paths" - another tool in the toolbox for getting people talking.
Listen, be curious, be patient,
Need to get the other person to retrace their path to action - we are just seeing the end of all the stories they've told themselves, we don't know how they've gotten there.
This reminds me of "Ask why 5 times to get to the root of the problem."
To encourage others to speak, use Ask, Mirror, Paraphrase, or Prime - Social engineering.
Summary
When people aren't talking use the 5 whys technique and Ask, Mirror, Paraphrase, and Prime.
Chapter 10 - Retake Your Pen - How to Be Resilient When Hearing Tough Feedback
"No one can hurt me without my permissions" - Gandhi
"If someone succeeds in provoking you, realize that your mind is complicit in the provocation" - Epictetus
"They stop blaming the world for how they feel and become responsible for their own serenity."
Don't complain. Take ownership. Do something. Jocko Willink extreme ownership. The best leaders don’t just take responsibility for their job. Instead, they take Extreme Ownership of everything that impacts their mission.
Who can a CEO blame for their problems? Only themselves.
Don't take harsh feedback from those who haven't done the work themselves.
"You don’t get angry when you’re confident. You get angry when you’re scared." You get angry when you don't feel safe. Bring things back to safety.
Steps to take feedback: CURE: - C: Collect yourself. Breath deep, you don't need to be on the physical defensive. Think clearly. - U: Understand. Be curious, ask questions, figure out what the other person is really saying. - R: Recover. Take a time out to think everything over."I will take a look at that." "It's important for me to get this right. I need some time. I'll get back to you." - E: Engage. Once you feel safe again, assess the truth rather than be defensive.
How you respond to the feedback is often more important than the feedback itself.
Chapter 11 - Move to Action - How to Turn Crucial Conversations into Action and Results
This chapter discuss how do we convert ideas into actions.
Two common failures: - Unclear expectations about how decisions will be mad - Poor job of acting on the decisions we do make
Riskiest parts of Crucial Conversations are the start, when you need to get people dialoguing, feeling safe, contributing, and the end when when a decision is made - if the decision making process isn't clear, people may not buy in.
Rene and Cara talked about a cruise, and both agreed it was a good idea but not on specifics. Then one of them went ahead and booked a cruise without consultation, making the other person feel miffed.
Also can be a relief to finish conversation, you don't wrap it up/close. No follow up, things left hanging.
Dialogue is for everyone. Decision making isn't necessarily. This is ok, but be clear who and why will be the decision makers.
If you are the authority in the conversation, you get to decide.
When it isn't clear who is the authority, it's harder. It's left for dialogue to decide. Jointly decide how to decide.
We have 4 decision making options: 1. Command - You are told what to do/ you make the decision. Your job is to figure out how to make it work 2. Consult - still one decision maker, but they seek advice of experts. 3. Vote - best for when all options are good choices. Save on debating, everyone picks one and gets behind the winner. 4. Consensus - you talk until everyone degrees with the decision. Should only be used with high-stakes and complex issues, or issues where everyone must absolutely support the final choice.
Four more considerations for picking a decision method: 1. Who cares? - only involve those who want to be involved or will be affected. Don't involve people who don't care. 2. Who knows? - who is the expert? encourage them to speak. Don't add people who don't add new information. 3. Who must agree? - whose cooperation will you need (in form of authority or influence)? get them on board with decision making. 4. How many people is it worth involving? - fewest number that will provide quality decision and get enough commitment.
SUMMARY: involve as few, interested parties, as necessary to make things efficient.
Don't forget to share your decision making method, otherwise people might push back.
Not every dialogue needs to end with a decision. Can also end with a commitment/call to action.
Who? If not assigned specifically, no one will. Case of "call the police" or "call 911" - if not specific, no one will "someone else will do it".
Does What?
By When?
How will you follow up? WWWF
Need to be explicit with either decisions or commitments, or nothing will get done. ABCs - Always Be Closing.
For personal conversations WWWF: summarize for understanding, identify an action, plan to follow up.
Document your work - your memory will fail you. Write down the WWWF and distribute. Great meeting note takers do this. Helps hold accountable later on.
SUMMARY: Always Be Closing
Chapter 12 - Yeah, But - Advice for Tough Cases
This chapter is about special, tougher cases to have crucial conversations about.
Sexual harassment: private conversations usually fix the problem. But if you've let it go on for a long time, own up to that. Be respectful.
Overly sensitive spouse: Easy for married couples to stop communicating if one person is too sensitive. Remember to STATE your path, and share. Make sure they feel safe.
Failed trust: deal with trust around the issue not the person. It will take time, don't set the bar too high.
Shows no initiative: Establish higher expectations, deal with pattern not specific instance. Call them out (respectfully) when they tried once and gave up.
Touchy and personal: Use contrasting to bring up issues but keep them safe. Don't hurt their feelings, but bring up something hard to help them. Discuss specific behaviors and move to solutions.
SUMMARY:
Follow the steps in the book. Read each situation independently like a human (not a robot) and figure out what needs more safety, respect, contrasting, etc...
Chapter 13 - Putting it All Together - Tools for Preparing and Learning
Principles: - Learn to Look - is there silence or violence? are you playing games or is there dialogue? - Make it Safe - Prepare for a crucial conversation - Choose a topic - Start with Heart - Master my Stories - Learn to Look - Make it Safe - STATE my path: Share your facts, tell your story, ask for others' paths, talk tentatively, encourage testing - Explore others' paths - Retake your pen - Move to action
This book is about results. Always Be Closing!